Musings

Not Engaging in This Happy Place

It has only been recently that I have come to terms with my chronic feeling of discontentment. I have been aware of its presence in my life for quite some time but I was unable to pinpoint the reason for its existence. I have struggled with and have been diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety. When I received this diagnosis it did not provide much clarity to my situation. It did not turn on any lights for me, so as to illuminate the dark recesses of my brain for which I could blame for my deep unhappiness. Each time I moved to a new place I believed it would finally set me free from the  desire to crawl out of my skin so that might shed the desire to run, run, run free from the restraints of my guaranteed discontentment. The sensation of being pulled in different directions  was maddening.

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It has always been a struggle for me to make life work. To some that might sound absolutely absurd. For me I had to make real effort to keep myself on track and hold on to what I had developed for myself. If you were to look back throughout my life’s history you would find that it was not uncommon for me to pack up and leave on a whim. Each time it was primarily based on me being fueled by shear discontentment with my life.

However, the only part of all of this that I can not reconcile for myself is this, I believe that everything happens for a reason. I know that every path I have walked down was one that I was supposed to take. I do not have any regrets about anything that I have ever done in my life. My childhood was very unfortunate, and I would never want to go through that again, but I would not change anything because all of it has made me this unique woman.

I think perhaps the discontentment served as fuel for keeping me from getting too comfortable and therefore, not digging for my passion and purpose.

We need to stop and take time to engage in today. Right where we are can be a happy place!

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