I wish with every fiber of my being, every cell in my body I could understand why I must return to this cell of darkness. It is a bunker from the onslaught outside. However, instead od being a safe protective space, it is my prison. I am forced into this cold dark room. I am never a willing participant in this move.
I know the statement all to well about lessons being repeated until we learn what is meant for us from them. That is of little solice to me when all I would rather do is give up. I despise saying that I want to give up. It angers me that life and it’s colossal fuck of battering winds can take me down again and again. Trust me when I say I do not want to admit defeat. So even with this immense storm of anger and regret like a hurricane boiling inside me it is no match for the storm at my door. The storm that wins and forces mg retreat into that cold dark cell. I say again this is all too much.
My daily self affirmations have not been enough to keep this hurricane at bay. It has found again and with fierce tenacity it shakes the foundations of my feeble structure.
I doubt my ability to take much more. Stand up and be firm. Light a candle to chase away the cold darkness. Though it is feeble this flickering light may be enough to see me through one more time. After all, this small light is all I have right now. I am forced to rely on its strength because my own has deserted me.