I wish with every fiber of my being, every cell in my body I could understand why I must return to this cell of darkness. It is a bunker from the onslaught outside. However, instead od being a safe protective space, it is my prison. I am forced into this cold dark room. I am never a willing participant in this move.

I know the statement all to well about lessons being repeated until we learn what is meant for us from them. That is of little solice to me when all I would rather do is give up. I despise saying that I want to give up. It angers me that life and it’s colossal fuck of battering winds can take me down again and again. Trust me when I say I do not want to admit defeat. So even with this immense storm of anger and regret like a hurricane boiling inside me it is no match for the storm at my door. The storm that wins and forces mg retreat into that cold dark cell. I say again this is all too much.

My daily self affirmations have not been enough to keep this hurricane at bay. It has found again and with fierce tenacity it shakes the foundations of my feeble structure.

I doubt my ability to take much more. Stand up and be firm. Light a candle to chase away the cold darkness. Though it is feeble this flickering light may be enough to see me through one more time. After all, this small light is all I have right now. I am forced to rely on its strength because my own has deserted me.


Categories: Writing

Tagged as: , ,

4 replies »

  1. When I read your post I thought of this quote I’d seen recently. I’m not sure if it will be of any help at all, but I wanted to send it and also my love.

    “So you mustn’t be frightened,if a sadness rises in front of you, larger than any you have ever seen; if an anxiety, like light and cloud-shadows, moves over your hands and over everything you do. You must realize that something is happening to you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand and will not let you fall. Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any misery, any depression, since after all you don’t know what work these conditions are doing inside you? Why do you want to persecute yourself with the question of where all this is coming from and where it is going? Since you know, after all, that you are in the midst of transitions and you wished for nothing so much as to change. If there is anything unhealthy in your reactions, just bear in mind that sickness is the means by which an organism frees itself from what is alien; so one must simply help it to be sick, to have its whole sickness and to break out with it, since that is the way it gets better. In you,so much is happening now; you must be patient like someone who is sick, and confident like some one who is recovering; for perhaps you are both. And more: you are also the doctor, who has to watch over himself. But in every sickness there are many days when the doctor can do nothing but wait. And that is what you, insofar as you are your own doctor, must now do, more than anything else.”

    Rainer Maria Rilke.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s