Hello, my name is Vicky Paton.
I have decided to up the game on my “about me” page.
These past five months have been a time of unexpected changes resulting in adjustments for me and my family. If you had my read this page already you would have noticed that it started with me proclaiming how happy I was to be working in a job that I absolutely loved. That statement is still true. I love that job. It is a fantastic job! I get to go to work every day and be surrounded by individuals that speak to my soul. How many people can boast of jobs like that?
Getting back to five months ago. I woke up one morning, and I did not want to get out of bed. I did not want to go to work. Up until that morning, you could not keep me from work. When it was my day off I would volunteer my time at work because I loved it so much.
Depression had come for me once again. I hit a wall. Since my life was in such a very different space, I am healthier spiritually and I thought mentally I did not expect this to happen. I was angry. Why do all of self-care, self-improvement, live sober and clean bullshit only to end up in this pit again?
The first three months of finding my way out of this darkness have been less “messy” than any of my past attempts. While I was alone inside there like many times before, contemplating what direction to take I stumbled on a couple of books that were serendipitous (love that word) to me finally turning around and saying, “ok, I will stop running away from what I am supposed to do. I will not be afraid of what people think anymore and just do it.”
I have been chronically discontent for many years. I can say for at least seventeen years. It was almost immediately after deciding to write the book and do the other things I believe I need to do that I finally felt at peace. The peace I searched for all these years like a mad woman all of a sudden came to me.
Depression still baffles me. I have had debates about what it means for my specific functionality. I worry that it will catch me off guard and make what I believe to be manageable become unmanageable. Every day, this is a worry of mine, but I have to continue on with my goals otherwise my life will be wasted.